EPPC Global Management - healthy marriage

Preparing for Marriage

In our country, we spend a lot of time and money getting ready for a wedding. We spend much less time, getting ready for marriage. Preparing for marriage can provide you with the foundation to build and grow a healthy marriage. You and your future spouse will have to make a lot of decisions about your life as a married couple. Where will you live? How will you handle finances? Do you want to have children? Premarital preparation can help you learn how to discuss these issues in more positive and effective ways. There is no recipe to guarantee a strong marriage but learning about the right ingredients can help you begin your life as husband and wife with mutual respect and confidence in your future.

Selecting a Partner

What do you want for your life and in a partner? It may sound obvious when stated plainly, but good, healthy relationships and marriages begin with the person you choose to share these things with. This process can begin many years before when you are just starting to date. A lot of times who we date can seem like a roll of the dice. We date people we are interested in or those who are interested in us, right? True. But we don't have to leave it up to chance to bring us a good partner. Even if you are not ready to get married, there are factors you can think about to limit your chances of getting involved with someone who is not right for you, someone on a course that will not work with your course in life, or someone whose values do not mesh well with your own.

Selecting a good partner involves taking stock of a few things.

Below is a sample checklist. Research shows that on average, people who have more of each of these are more likely to have a healthy and successful marriage. 1:

Age (at least up to early-to-mid-20s).

Education and income.

Emotional health.

Religious affiliation and religious practice.

Similar characteristics as their partner (age, race, social and economic status).

Similar attitudes, values, and beliefs.

Acquaintance (that is, they have been together for more than a short time and know each other well).

Family stability and health (that is, their parents did not divorce, had good mental health, and a reasonably happy family growing up) and partner's family stability (when both spouses experienced the divorce of their parents growing up, they face a higher risk of divorce). 2

Support from family and friends for the marriage (as opposed to thinking the union isn't a good idea).

Social and interpersonal skills (especially positive communication and problem-solving skills).

Also, those who have had less premarital sexual experience and who have not lived together before marriage or engagement have more healthy and successful marriages. Individuals who have lived together with several partners face especially high risks. 3

Thinking about marriage

Once you have found that certain someone you might be thinking about getting married or you might be already engaged. There is a lot of material out there that suggests different questions to ask your partner before marriage. Questions are good. Questions let you get to know one another better. Questions also get you and your partner talking and communicating. Good communication is essential for a healthy marriage. Marriage education can teach you better communication skills and much more. Marriage education isn't just for people who are already married. Learning skills early can help enhance your marriage during the great times and help sustain your marriage during the hard times. Has anyone told you yet that "A good marriage takes lots of hard work?" Learning solid skills early through marriage education can make it a whole lot easier.

Additional Resources

Should we Live Together before we say "I do?" – National Healthy Marriage Resource Center (PDF - 34 KB) This resource walks individuals and couples through things to consider before making a decision to live together before marriage.
"Consider Expectations Before Marriage" This article explains the importance of understanding your partner's goals, values, family history, and expectations in a relationship before making the decision to get married to the level of marital success.
"Finding Strengths and Weaknesses Before Marriage" This article describes the RELATionship Evaluation (RELATE) Survey/Questionnaire available to couples considering marriage. This survey helps couples answer important questions regarding their family history, personal characteristics, common values, communication ability, and conflict management skills.
"Should We Live Together?" Social science research suggests that despite the popularity of cohabitation among young couples, living together before marriage is detrimental to a relationship in several ways.
Premarital Education, Marital Quality, and Marital Stability : Findings From a Large, Random Household Survey. Journal of family psychology. Using a large random survey of 4 middle American states, the authors found that participation in premarital education was associated with higher levels of satisfaction and commitment in marriage and lower levels of conflict-and also reduced odds of divorce.
Altering the Course of Marriage : the Effect of PREP Communication Skills Acquisition on Couples' Risk of Becoming Maritally Distressed. Journal of family psychology. This longitudinal study predicted marital outcome from communication skills gained from participation in the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP; H. J. Markman, S. L. Blumberg & S. M. Stanley, 1989; Stanley et al., 2001) by 39 women and 38 men.
Why marriage matters : twenty-one conclusions from the social sciences. Center of the American Experiment. This article summarizes key social sciences research findings on marriage in the areas of family, economics, physical health and longevity, mental health and emotional well-being, and crime and domestic violence.
Are we Compatible? - Part of the Marriage Matters Series, this fact sheet explores the issue of exploring compatibility during courtship. (Ohio State University Extension, 2003)
"Before You Say I Do" - A fact sheet by the Ohio State University Cooperative Extension
Excerpt from Susan Pivers' Book "Questions: 100 Questions to Ask Before Marriage"
"Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying" - New York Times

1 Jeffry H. Larson. (2000). Should we stay together? A Scientifically proven method for evaluating your relationship and improving its chances for long-term success. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. Jeffry H. Larson & Thomas B. Holman. (1994). Premarital predictors of marital quality and stability. Family Relations, 43, 228-237. Thomas N. Bradbury, Frank D. Fincham, & Steven R. H. Beach. (2000). Research on the nature and determinants of marital satisfaction: A decade review. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 62, 964-980.
2 Nicholas H. Wolfinger. (2005). Understanding the divorce cycle: The children of divorce in their own marriages. New York: Cambridge University Press.
3 Jay Teachman. (2003). Premarital sex, premarital cohabitation, and the risk of subsequent marital dissolution among women. Journal of Marriage and Family, 65, 444-455. David Popenoe & Barbara Dafoe Whitehead. (2002). Should we live together? What young adults need to know about cohabitation before marriage. Piscataway, NJ: The National Marriage Project.

If you are in the Chattanooga, Tennessee Area, we highly recommend visiting the First Things First Marriage and Family Resource Center

The center, located in the FTF offices at 620 Lindsay Street, houses books and videos on various topics including: parenting, stepfamilies, fathering, divorce, and marriage by well-known authors such as Neil Clark Warren, Kevin Leman and Gary Smalley. These materials would be excellent to use at home as well as in small group settings at church, school or work. The center is free and open to the public during office hours. Resources may be checked out from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. Monday through Friday.

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Preparing for Marriage

Selecting a Partner